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2.07.2011

What To Do If

Thanks to the wisdom and answers found in 
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Life
I am prepared for whatever comes my way.

A bird gets caught in my hair?
No problem.
Use one arm to shield the face 
and the other to grab the bird's legs to remove it.

If I ever fall through a floor,
I need to spread my arms wide,
put my palms down and push up.
Don't kick my legs.

For a guest who overstays their welcome,
declare a household emergency 
(like asbestos or mold removal)
or decide to paint that room and remove all the furniture.
Don't say "I'm going on vacation" as the guest may offer to housesit.

Advice I found to be invaluable:
If I trip on a red carpet, 
turn it into the Running Man 
or a breakdancing lock and pop.
I think it'd work if I'm walking into my kids' school too.

Other handy tips include:
fending off a pack of wolves, dealing with a cruise ship crew mutiny,
cooking catastrophes, handling difficult family members...

But the #1 solution (as I approach my 40th birthday):
If you're going gray,
get the hippest, most avant-garde hair cut.  
Take on an air of sophistication by wearing fashionable black ensembles 
with dark capes, dark-rimmed glasses,
and laugh vigorously while drinking elegant flutes of wine in public.
I recently chopped of my hair and colored it red.
Gotta go get some capes and glasses, hmmm.
Starting Saturday, I'm going to be celebrating:
I've waited my whole life to turn 40
(explanation in a later post.)

2 comments:

BARBIE said...

Welcome to the 40's club. I am just a few short years ahead of you! Looking forward to reading about your "40 until 40".

tale of many cities said...

lol too funny! i'm a bit over 40, and the hair thing.. well, let's just say i've been all shades of red! teehee ;)